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The Steven Seagal Challenge!
In honor of this week’s “Steven Seagal Issue,” certain Mercury employees have vowed to settle an age-old argument: Who does the best Steven Seagal impersonation? However! We can’t decide who’s best without YOUR help. In the video posted below, you will watch four Mercury employees — Adam Gnade, Christine S. Blystone, Wm. Steven Humphrey, and Erik Henriksen — compete in four separate tasks designed to help YOU determine who best captures the look and spirit of Seagal. Watch the movie, come back to this page, and post your vote by clicking on “COMMENTS” below. WE’RE SERIOUS! WE NEED YOUR HELP, SO PLEASE VOTE!
P.S. Check out this week’s heee-larious “Steven Seagal Issue” and don’t forget to attend the Steven Seagal Blues Band show on Sunday, May 28 at Dante’s!
Play Quicktime version of the Steven Seagal Challenge
Or, if you’d rather…
Right click (or control/click for Macs) to play the mp4 version of the Steven Seagal Challenge
(Might take a minute to download.)
WATCH, POST A COMMENT AND VOTE!
Comments
Man that was awsome, you guys are HA-LARRY-ASS. You were all great, but vote has to go to the Hump, he really nailed the squint.
Blystone's got the moves but you can't hear her, Humphery's got the eyebrows but what the hell is up with those hair clips? Henricksen's got the supressed anger but it looks like he's wearing a hair net and Gnade' got the voice and looks pretty good in a black shirt but where's the gut?
More videos of Chas getting beat up please!
My real ponytail is way longer than that one. (Which was a clip-on I built out of velcro, staples, and masking tape.) My real ponytail is as long and thick as a fucking python.
Holy Bejesus,
I don't think I've ever watched anything on the net as many times in a day...
Christine S. Blystone takes the cake - no questions!
"Would you like some coffee or SOMEEEETHHHHINGGG?"
Priceless.
Adam and Christine are great.The Chuck Norris clip was a classic.Good job...Ah screw it, you all deserve a shout out for a job well done.
Competition #1 - Wm. Steven Humphrey, hands down
Competition #2 - Cristina S. Blystone. Anyone who uses puke as an ad hominem attack is a fucking GOD.
Competition #3 - Adam Gnade. Although Adam is clearly a pansy, he can *seriously* kick Chuck Norris ass!
Competition #3 [sic] - Cristina. The chop to the balls was quite classic.
As a final result, I believe that Wm. Steven Humphrey most looks like Steven Segal; however, Cristina S. Blystone, in her heart of hearts, most desires to kick the ass of dirtbags and stupid people. Cristina therefore most embodies the spirit of Stevan Seagal. Erik, though charmingly inept, is the one most likely to have beaten off to Steven Seagal movies as a child.
I gotta go with Adam overall but perhaps I'm biased after reading his interview with sensei Seagal. I mean, how can you doubt the genuine devotion of a man who says straight up to Seagal "I love you" ? I can't and I won't. Gnade gets my vote. As an addendum, Christines screentest was the funniest and Humpys grimace was spot-friggin-on! Nice work Merc.
Christine is a BITCH ass sniffer! I'm voting for Adam! You GO Adam! Again, Christine is a slutbag cunt.
Oh you know it HAS to be Christine! Especially because she's the only one who could kick the rest of the contestants asses at one time kung-fu Segal style!
I really thought Hump WAS Steven Seagal. I mean, I really, REALLY thought that! I had to watch it again, because I just didn't "get it" at first. That's how much Hump is EXACTLY like Steven Seagal.
I'm voting for Humphrey! The "Welcome to the OC, Bitch!" cracks my shit up. On a side note...wow...Matt's post is fucked up. Those are some mighty strong words to be saying about someone you don't even know. You saw Christine punch Chuck's face in midair. I wouldn't be saying those things about her if I were you.
Hey Harlow, I do know her (Christine, aka the cunt) in person. If you met her, she would make you feel bad about yourself.
Hmmm. That's weird. I only know one Matthew and he's one of my best friends. So I call bullshit on you, Matt - if that is your real name. If you've got a personal beef with me, then you should email me at christineblystone@hotmail.com and we can settle this like mature adults.
I have a personal veggie burger with Ms. Blystone. There is only one reason for Matt to feel this way, and that is that he sucks. Anyone that doesn't suck would know that Ms. Blystone is in a class by herself, and it's not because everyone else dropped!
Oh, and I vote for Ms. Blystone. She was wearing poop-kickers. What's better than that? Nothing, I tells ya.
Oh yeah, and by settling this as mature adults, I mean settling it Seagal style! Matt, I know you're a scumbag and a puke. I don't mind that, but just leave me alone, or I will fuck you up!
Although C. Blystone clearly needs no backup, she has the fists and chains of the Mercury distro squad, if need be, "Matt"-so shut the fuck up with your C-word BS.
I stand by my choice- C. Blystone = Steven Seagal
I must say the rest of the crew did a knockout job too, like some Bizarro world team of Steven Seagal replicants. What a delectible dish of hilarious magic! Nice work guys! Just remember, tonight, in your dreams, you will all be Steven Seagal.
Holy crap, she called someone a puke again. I think I'm in love.
---------------------
PS: Dear WASP, I can only hope that you mean "Alexis Turner's post = Creepy [in it's eerie accuracy]." If, in fact, you mean "creepy like a child molester with a bag of jelly beans," then I can only ask why in the name of God you read the Mercury? You are clearly too chickenshit to read a REAL paper. Go home and cry on your labradoodle's shoulder.
(On second thought, it would be much more entertaining to have Adam Gnade beat you to death with his python "ponytail." I will pay $5 to witness this event.)
Warmest regards,
Alexis Turner
I have personally seen Christine take down a schoolbus full of ninjas in one move....and she was drunk! She totally deserves this win...
Competition #1: Humphrey
Competition #2: McBly
Competition #3: Humphrey
Competition #4: McBly
Final Decision: ???
Shit, I feel like an asslicker voting for my boss, but my vote has to go to Steve. There's no denying the moment he came walking out of the bathroom in full costume just before shooting this, and freaked Chas and I the fuck out. I mean, it was like Steven Seagal had just used our bathroom. We wouldn't even get mad if he didn't flush!
Still, Adam, Erik, and especially Christine "Takin' No Shit From Some Jive-Talkin' Anonymous Douchebag Commenter" S. Blystone did a fuck of a job. Congrats to all! (But mostly to Steve.)
"Matt" - To be so bitter and angry at someone who is not involved in your life AT ALL is crazy! To blame someone else because YOU feel bad about yourself is insane! PLEASE seek professional mental health therapy immediately! YOU need it!!
Wm. Steven Humphrey. . . serious poise. He's got the look, the attitude, the grimace. Altogether, they equal awesomeness, and awesomeness is all that counts.
Coming from somebody who touches Christine's ass as much as humanly possible, I can vouch for the fact that she is quite the opposite from smelly cuntbag.
In fact, her smiles make rainbows and kittens happen.
-Laura
oh fuck. umm.... well, it's got to either be humpy or blystone and I'm really really torn because those eyebrows were burned into my retinas and at the same time the "I didn't where my pooper-kickers for nothing" line was the best shit since great shit.
Ok, it comes down to this...Blystone. Because I don't have a clue what the fuck "Wm." stands for.
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I vote for the lady.. The boot to Chuck's face is awesome.